I have a small head?
My hip totally just cracked.
While I'm at it with the random comments, there was a day during the summer where I had a thought in the middle of the night. If I were a guy, would I be hot? I think the conclusion I came to was yes, I would be hot.
Why are skunks called skunks? Why aren't they called stinks or maybe stunks? Where does skunk even come from?
I was thinking about watermelon seeds today while biting my toenails off. Have you ever seen that old Rugrats episode where Chuckie eats the watermelon seed and then the other kids go on an adventure into Chuckie's stomach. I always wondered how they did that. It's all pretend, isn't it?
It's like magic tricks right? There's no such thing as magic. It's all illusions. That reminds me of that one dream I had about garbage and not believing in magic tricks. What an odd dream that was.
Speaking of Chuckie, there is the creepiest doll hanging out in the window of one of the rooms in my dorm. It was totally watching Abby and I today. I kept thinking it was gonna show up in other places. It still could, and you know what? That would scare the crap out of me quite literally especially if I was already in the bathroom. Could you imagine that? What if a doll just showed up in the bathroom stall next to yours with a knife in it's hands? That would be enough to scare an aardvark out of it's shell.
Do aardvarks even have shells? No, probably not.
You know what would be nice? I know that magic doesn't exist, but I think it would be very nice if that Chuckie doll would magically disappear from that window. Though, I wouldn't want to wake up with it in my room staring at me. Creepy!
This one time at band camp, I punched this kid with a hockey puck. Don't ask me why we were playing hockey on the band field. It made no sense to me. Is this ice hockey or marching band practice? I mean come on, there's grass on this field. Though I guess it could be turnips too.
Have you ever eaten a turnip? I have not. They're in the same family as beets and radishes though right? Are carrots in that family too? We might as well say that Starbursts grow in the dirt as well. You never know. Skittles. Taste the rainbow.
It smells like muffins in this room. Do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? Yeah, the one who lives on that one street? What one street? That one that is all sad and everything. Uh, no, I don't know him. I know that black sheep down the street that sells wool at the market.
Did you know that you can't really taste the rainbow? Skittles has lied to us. There's red, orange, yellow, green, and purple. Where in the world is blue? And the package lies to us too...at least I think it does.
What would the blue flavor be anyways? Blueberry? Blue raspberry? Mushroom?
Mushroom?! Where does that even come from. It comes from my toe fungus. Oh don't you mean your toe clippings? No, I meant toe fungus. Actually, no you're right, but I meant to say mold.
Have you ever had moldy pickles? That doesn't sound very appetizing. It sounds quite disgusting actually.
All this talk of food is making me mighty thirsty. I have to urinate. And now I might have to go sit in the elevator. Abby is threatening to kick me out of her room and duct tape me to the inside of the elevator.
It goes up. It goes down. It goes up. Then it comes down. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Actually I'm lying. She said nothing about kicking me out, but she meant everything she said about duct taping me to the ceiling. I don't think that's good for the ceilings. I'd probably break my spleen. That or my spleen would break my fall. Whichever comes first.
If I die tonight, it probably won't be in a ditch. We thought you were dead in a ditch. Yeah, story of my life.
I was born in a ditch. I grew up in a ditch. I live in a ditch on the high way in a van down by the river. What is that even from? And I'll probably die in a ditch too.
Haha, that is totally not the story of my life.
Then there was light that I saw before Abby hit me with a frying pan that she "accidentally" dropped out of her box. I don't think she even has a frying pan. Maybe it's a magical frying pan that just appeared out of nowhere.
Let's be realistic here. There is no such thing as a magical frying pan. Oh yeah, then where did that seven foot tall genie come from. I rubbed the magic lamp. What magic lamp? The one that you just threw away.
Is the magic lamp even a real lamp in the movie Aladdin? It looks nothing like the modern day lamps we see. That explains a lot of why we have no more magic lamps. Hey, you never know. My lamp could be magical.
So I guess Abby decided to blind me with toenail clippings, choke me with watermelon seeds, and to make matters worse, she dropped 10 hockey pucks on my head.
I'm not trying to bash Abby. What did I do to her? Oh yeah, I really, seriously, accidentally hit Abby in the head with a tennis ball. It was one little mistake and she's abusing me in such a way.
Where is Shelby even at? Planning more awful things to do to me. What she doesn't know is that her bag of popcorn tried to eat me. I had to wrestle it out in the lounge. It was epically AWESOME! Unfortunately, everyone thought I was crazy. Maybe it was one misplaced kernel that just jumped out of the bag and scared the living daylights out of me.
But I mean what do you expect when Chuckie is living on the floor right above you? I think you would be scared too.
You know, speaking of Shelby, where have all the epic, spontaneous adventures been these last couple of days? Yeah, we need to get into that again. Is it weird that I kinda sorta really want to go shoe shopping? I should probably clip my toenails though. They're pretty long. It's like a world record. I'm trying to get into the record books. I can't even put on socks properly anymore. I think I may have gotten a hockey puck lodged into one of them. That explains all the blood...I think. Ouch, the thought of that makes me want to throw something at the wall with the intention of vomiting. I think I'll go do that. How should I dislodge this hockey puck?
That's what I get for going fishing on a tennis racket in the middle of shark infested ocean water without a piece of bark to chew on.
So I guess the moral of this story is I do what I want and it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!
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